Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I once possessed a whoopie cushion. I never deployed it, of course, but the capacity was there.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Your head is just something you keep your hat on, isn't it?
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Keen of eye, swift of thought, and regular of bowel.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
The artful dodger was a thief. And I don't think he'd have considered himself quite so "at home" in a juvenile detention center, which is where I'd have put him. Thieving is thieving and no amount of oom-pa-pa or boom-titty-titty will change that.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
[Talking about drugs] When I was a teenager, my idea of chemical stimulation was sucking on a Fisherman's Friend!
[P.C. Goody and P.C. Habib start chuckling]
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
What is so funny, goody?
P.C. Goody:
Well sir, you just said your idea of chemical stimulation was sucking on a Fisherman's Friend!
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
So?
P.C. Goody:
Well everyone knows they're AWEFUL!
[Sergent Patricia Dawkins nearly cast as tomahawak in Peter Pan Panto last year]
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
You'll be a wonderful red indian maid.
Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
That's silly little costume, my thigh's too fat.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
What an absurd thing for you to say.
Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
You're saying that just to be nice.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
No, I'm sure there's number of red indian have fat thigh's.
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Just remember Raymond, my arse is on the line and I don't want a cock up.
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
'cause you know what'll happen Raymond, don't you - it'll be your cock up - my arse!
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Just remember Raymond, it's my arse and if you stuff it, I'm going to be very red in the face.
P.C. Goody:
[when sitting on Inspector Fowler's shoulder for a role play exercise] Ow! Mind my love blobs! And er... dont bend my Curly Wurly please!
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I doubt Constable Goody would "get it", if it came in a large bag marked, "IT".
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
This can be summed up in one word - organised crime.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
[to Inspector Grim] You have all the intelligence of a Pot Noodle.
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
[about how to deal with persistent offenders] You nick 'em, you lock 'em up and you throw away the door!
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
[after Inspector Fowler has picked him up on his use of grammar] Is that so! Well rearrange this then: Bugger and Off. I mean Off and Bugger.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I doubt Patricia will get anything warm and satisfying inside her tonight.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
[after being reminded about going to to the bank] No I won't forget, Patricia. Of course it would be easier to go now, and for that very reason the bank is closed, it being a basic principle of British banking that the customer is to be avoided at all costs.
[Inspector Fowler is discussing political correctness with his constabulary and Grim thinks he is wasting his time]
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
What "ism" ever robbed a bank? What "ism" ever mugged anybody? What "ism" ever put a gun to somebody's head?
DC Gary Boyle:
[Reading a book] Terrorism?
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Yeah alright. What "ism" ever threatened the security of the state?
DC Gary Boyle:
[Still reading] Marxism?
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
What "ism" ever hurt an old lady?
DC Gary Boyle:
Sadism?
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Start stringing words together willy-nilly and it can lead to no end of confusion. Constable Kray let me have your notebook.
[Takes notebook and starts to read]
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
. Look here. "The criminal ran round my side and out the back at a colossal lick". Jumble up the words and suddenly you have "The criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran."
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Obstructing CID in the course of their investigations, Raymond? That's a very serious offence, I've half a mind to charge you!
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
You have half a mind... full stop!
Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
[reading the card attached to the shampane and chocolates Raymond has given her] to my dearest Maggie, spelled with one g and a y. Sorry about arresting the lollpop man any chance of a bunk up later, love Kevin.
[Slaps Raymond and walks off]
Const. Maggie Habib:
[Slaps Kevin and walks off]
P.C. Goody:
[to Inpecter Fowler] do you think we got away with it sir?
Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
We are not the first, and we won't be the last couple to have problems with our sex life.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
We do not have a problem.
Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
We don't have a sex life!
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Exactly, so I can hardly see how there could be a problem with it!
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
[trying to get on the internet] I've booted up, I've patched in, I'm online, offline, downloaded
[shouts]
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
and extremely cheesed off!
DC Robert Kray:
You need to integrate your power supply at source, sir.
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
What?
DC Robert Kray:
Plug it in!
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I've been liaising with some *geeeeeezers* from 'The Met'; pooling our intelligence.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Goodness. Between you, you must have made an imbecile.
Const. Frank Gladstone:
We gave our dog a bad name... Colin. Terrible name! You have no idea how many people are called Colin. We'd go to the park - I'd shout, "Come here, Colin!", and fifteen people would turn around. Big people too, sir. I mean for some reason all the big lads get called Colin. I mean - I'd shout, "Colin, you're a bad boy! I just saw you do a caca. And now, I'm going to rub your nose in it." The next thing I knew, I wake up in an ambulance.
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Ooooh, I hate Christmas! I reckon Scrooge was right, with his bag of Humbugs.
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
A fat cat, spinning his web with his tentacles in every pie
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I've got a tough job Raymond, and I need your cooperation. Now it's pretty urgent, so I won't beat around the proverbial privet. Frankly I'm too busy a man to be cluck-clucking like a decapitated feathered fowl, so I'll get straight to the point.
Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I'm very happy to hear that.
Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Time waits for no man as the proverb goes, and what I say is, in CID crime waits for no man. So, with that in mind, I shall cut the bovine feces altogether. This is CID work, and in CID, we dispense with niceties, we avoid irrelevance, disregard herrings, red or otherwise, and above all, we do not fanny about!