Director Neil Jordan has always maintained that the release version of this film is very different from the one he shot. He was more or less excluded from the editing process of the final cut. He insists that his version is still locked away in a vault.
Marge:
Oh my God! He's got my underwear!
Malcolm:
Oh, very nice, a pervert ghost!
Plunkett Senior:
No respectable ghost would live in California!
Mrs. Plunkett:
Good morning, darling!
Plunkett Senior:
Good morning dear! Well, our son is an idiot!
Mrs. Plunkett:
We've known that for years, haven't we, darling?
Plunkett Senior:
Well, this time he has surpassed himself. The ghosts are furious!
Mrs. Plunkett:
Why?
Plunkett Senior:
Well, they've heard that that Jim Brogan fellow is going to move the castle to Malibu!
Mrs. Plunkett:
Oh, how nice! All that sunshine and all those movie stars!
Plunkett Senior:
No respectable ghost would live in California!
Mrs. Plunkett:
[Peter is about to hang himself] Oh! Taking the easy way out, you naughty boy!
Peter Plunkett:
Mother, please! This is not easy, this is very, very difficult!
Jack:
I'm dead. So this is what it feels like. Like a hangover.
Jack:
You're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out.
Jack:
Eternity's a big commitment.
Peter Plunkett:
All I wanted to be was happily useless, you made me miserably useless.
[Mary has just aged 200 years]
Jack:
Kiss you? Maybe we should get some moisturizer first... or some medical supervision.
[Mary has just aged 200 years]
Sharon:
Jack, you threw me over for this? This... ugh! I mean I know you like passive women, Jack, but she's half dead. I hope she has a great personality, because this hurts.
[Sharon is flossing her teeth, seemingly unaware of Jack's presence]
Jack:
Now that I'm dead, I though I'd let you know. You're as cold as a penquin on an iceburg. You're a dwarf. Yeah, clean those choppers so you can chew up the next jerk that comes along.
Jack:
[Sharon slaps him] I'm not dead?
Sharon:
No, but if I were you I wouldn't make any long term plans!
Mary Plunkett Brogan:
If he kills me one more time, I'll *scream*!
Sharon:
My love, my reason for dying.
Miranda:
Father Tony... What are you doing in the pool?
Brother Tony:
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Martin Brogan:
Tonight's the one night I turn to flesh so... what d'ya say to a wee bit o' skelpin', eh?
Sharon:
Drop dead.
Martin Brogan:
Ooohh, what a woman.
Jack:
[Jack and Sharon are witnessing Mary and Martin's fatal argument] This is Mary the ghost, and that's Martin the ghost! They're having problems in their relationship.
Sharon:
No, Jack. We're having problems in our relationship!
Miranda:
So, I was seeing this guy and he's a devil worshiper, right? Well, he's a hairdresser really, but he devil-worships on the side. And we booked this dumb tour because, you know, he likes ghosts, dead gerbils, that kind of thing... and he ran off with this Bhuddist monk! I mean, how I was supposed to know he was gay? So what about you, are you gay too?
Brother Tony:
Uh, no, I'm not. I'm - I'm chaste!
Miranda:
Just kidding! Trick question!
Peter Plunkett:
Why are bits of masonry floating about?
Martin Brogan:
[trying to seduce Sharon] Madam, for you I missed my wedding for the first time in years, that's how much I want you. Sure, I know I'm a ghost and a murderer but forget about all that.
Spoofed in
Wrongfully Accused (1998)
Scary Movie 2 (2001)